Friday, March 30, 2007

Personal Growth

So, insurance woman just left with two test tubes of my urine (96.5 degrees!) and two test tubes of my blood (it looked fizzy). She weighed me and measured me. I am, according the Mutual Insurance Company of Omaha, 6' 3 and 1/4". Now all my adult life I've told people I was 6' 2". When asked, not, you know, apropos of nothing. Recently though I've begun to think I'm shrinking. I've always worn 34" leg trousers but lately have had to switch to 32".

At first I thought this was some kind of global conspiracy by the clothing industry to force men to spend more time in their shops. By mixing up the sizes they can force us to actually try clothes on, instead of, when we need new jeans, walking into a shop, grabbing a pair in the size we've always worn, paying for them and leaving.

Since I have a day off every other Friday I now have time to perform actual science so that I can test some of my theories. Well, the global clothing conspiracy is disproved:

32" it says on the label and 32" they are...
Unless they've moved where they start measuring from, that looks about right to me.

So according to some blokes razor if everything else is wrong, whatever is left is right. The only logical conclusion is that I've grown, not 1 and 1/4 inches, but 3 and 1/4 inches in my upper body. Lucky for the IT world this growth coincided with a 2 inch shrinking of my legs, otherwise I'd be packing in this computer nonsense and heading off to the NBA.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you all about the really cool spidery tripod Nikki bought me for my birthday, it's all flexible and bendy and can grab onto tree trunks and stuff:


Jen said...


That's a really cool tripod(!) In fact, I want one. . . but . . . um. You have placed it somewhat, errrr. . . . um. . . .conveniently on your jeans. Are you trying to tell us something?

Ian said...

Like what? That I have 3 penises?

Geez Jen, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Jen said...

Yeaaaah. I can't speak for all women, but having 3 of those may not necessarily be a good thing. So much so, that I didn't even think of that!

Ma said...

No he definitely does not have three I should know,I've changed him often enough,though it mightr have grown a bit since then !!!

Ian said...

Ah, great. Isn't the internet fantastic. Now instead of showing girls pictures of me in the bath as a baby my mother can talk about my willie in front of the whole world.

alex said...

Now, that had nothing to do with me!!!

I promise. :-)