Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Sliding Guide

The best thing about having hardwood floors is the ability to slide across them in your socks. I have, so far, identifed the following 5 runs in the new house:

1) The longest run in the house. A good run up will easily get you from my side of the bed in the master bedroom to the front door. The only hazard is a tight dog leg just outside the spare bedroom. If you get your initial angle wrong you will have to hit the emergency brakes and walk to the shoe rack. It is not recommended to attempt this run in reverse, as you're usually wearing your shoes when you come in the front door and not removing them before sliding will result in Nikki killing you.

2) Easier than run 1, this one stretches from the master bedroom to the kitchen. This run is much better in reverse, and could be useful for ferrying drinks to the pool next summer. Of course, you probably don't want to attempt this bare foot unless you drip a lot of water on the floor on your way in, which will result in Nikki killing you.

3) More dangerous than it first appears. Run 1 and 2 traffic has priority here, so be careful, but this short run from the kitchen to the study can be fun. The kitchen tile gives you plenty of traction for a good run up and once you get on the hardwood there's no stopping you until you hit the pile of boxes. Unlike Hollywood stunt boxes, these are full of books. You need to make sure you can stop in time, because reassembling that pile of boxes will kill you.

4) Simple run for beginners. Come in the front door, leave your shoes at the shoe rack, which is at the very start of this run, and slide to the living room. Conveniently ends near the bar, where you can continue slowly killing your liver.

5) Runs from the kitchen, past the dining table to the living room. Another easy run, but do not attempt this one in reverse. If you get the angle wrong from the living room you could crash into the dining table. My mother will sense the disturbance from 6000 miles away and right around the time Nikki has finished killing you my mother's plane will touch down and she'll bring you back to life to kill you again. Posted by Picasa


Jen said...

Holy Crap! Only you. . . .Only you, Mr. Morrison. . .

But, hey(!) that doesn't mean I don't wanna try the sock runs when I get there! I'll be sure to be completely "proof-free" (yes, as in alcohol) in order to avoid hazardous book boxes, reverse runs, angry wives, and mom's-of-Scotland. I'm too young to die. So, if by chance, I do expire it will have been on my own accord and not due to the high toxology.

No drinking and sock sliding here! I need all my teeth. Which reminds me, you DO have insurance on the home, right?

Alex said...

You can't beat floor sliding, in the absence of snow it's the next best thing. Have you attempted the classic 'wee man' yet?

Ian said...

Don't worry Jen, we have zillions of dollars of liability insurance. It seems that if some punk climbs over our fence and drowns in our pool we can get sued for huge amounts of cash...

Sorry bruv, I have not yet tried any advanced techniques, next time Nikki goes away, it's going to be slide city